One of the first things we had to encounter as recently-divorced parents was the school system. Their child entered kindergarten about 2 months after they separated. You would have thought divorce was a brand new concept. Everything from emergency information forms to grade cards was designed to accommodate parents that lived at the same residence. And this was the year 1999!
As they were designated as the residential parent in their arrangement, everything school-related was based on their address. Nothing was ever mailed to their ex. And this is where demonstrating kindness begins. They knew plenty of divorced parents who struggled with this most basic right. They never hesitated for a second. They assumed their ex was entitled to all the same information about their child’s education as they were. How could they expect their ex to be a good parent otherwise? They had to remember what they wanted their child to have and what they wanted in a parent for them. They always made sure their ex was offered the opportunity to purchase school pictures. And they made sure their ex got a copy of every grade card. The school didn’t do this. They did! The school, it seemed, never even thought of it as a service they should offer. This doesn’t make any sense to them. Nor do the people who refuse to consider how they might feel if they weren’t even given the opportunity to get school pictures from one year of grade school. All too frequently, divorced fathers miss out on a lot. And this benefits no one. The father suffers. The child and father connection is weakened as the father receives less and less ongoing information about the child’s evolution. And if someone thinks they get out of this unscathed, they’re absolutely wrong. Have they heard of karma? Ever wish people would treat them better? Well maybe they should practice the golden rule. Also, ask themselves how it could possibly be of benefit to their child for their other parent to be denied information and experiences with them.
They remember the first night conference during which they met their child’s kindergarten teacher. They had separated about 6 weeks before. Of course, they both wanted to be there. So they did this crazy thing. They talked about it. Then they did another crazy thing. They agreed to both go and let the teacher know that even though they were divorced, they weren’t one of those dysfunctional couples that hate each other and yell all the time. Kind of an interesting evolution since one of the reasons they split up was because of their incessant arguing. They argued about everything from life philosophies to how to play a Euchre hand. God forbid they stray from Hoyle. Yep, divorce, or at least living separately, seemed to fix their dysfunction as a couple (and as Euchre partners). Oh the irony!
As they squeezed themselves into tiny little kindergartener desks, they made their pronouncement to the new teacher, Mrs. Joseph, that they had recently divorced but that they get along and she would not have any problems with them. As it turned out, this was Mrs. Joseph’s first year teaching anywhere. So she was probably simultaneously concerned, skeptical, and relieved. Disbelieving or not, their child had this teacher for two years and as they approached the end of the second year, Mrs. Joseph pulled them aside to tell them not only how special their little one is (yep, the parent already knows that) but also how lucky the child is to have two parents who work so hard to make this whole divorce thing into a positive experience for them. Now there’s two words that don’t normally appear in the same sentence. “Divorce” and “positive.” See the pattern that is starting to develop?