Of all the parenting topics I cover, this one is central to why we needed to get this co-parenting thing right. I refused to let them be a casualty of my choices. And I have to say, I think both of us tackled the subjects of limits, responsibility, and discipline beautifully.

One of the saddest things I’ve witnessed in observing other divorce situations is the inability of divorced couples to effectively discipline their children and teach them how to make good life choices. The divorced parent becomes so fearful of the possibility that their child will reject them that they choose not to engage in any conversations that might jeopardize their relationship. I have seen it so many times. Fathers with limited visitation who cannot fathom making even one precious moment unhappy with their children during the short hours they spend, letting it be taken up by confrontations of any kind. Mothers who buy their kids everything they ask for so that the children don’t consider whether they may have more material rewards if they lived with the other parent. On and on it goes. The child isn’t given any responsibilities and is never told no. They are constantly showered with compliments on how great and beautiful they are and never denied anything. From having no household chores to never living without something because “mom said so,” the kids of divorced parents are running the show. No wonder we now have the “me” generation.

You may be thinking, “So what if everyone’s happy all the time?” Is it so bad to have only positive interactions with your child? Frankly, YES! First of all, if you don’t teach your children about things like washing the dishes and doing laundry, who do you think is going to do that? Or are you planning to supply your child with a staff of household servants after they move out? Or maybe you’re ok with them wallowing in filth later on because they never learn the value of basic home cleanliness and how it can affect their physical and mental health. Could you be unwittingly raising a future hoarder to be featured on the cable series Hoarders, Buried Alive? Maybe you too were raised without being expected to help around the house and think this is just fine. After all, look at you. You turned out fine. But I bet if you think about it, you had more responsibilities than you are willing to admit since it challenges your current course of action.

But this is about so much more than learning how to clean the house. What happens to a person who is never told no, denied anything, or challenged on their thinking? You got it! They grow up to be spoiled, self-serving narcissists. Even if they somehow escape their values descending into complete self-absorption, they will be ill-equipped to deal with the real world where they will most certainly be told no by someone. There will eventually be someone who disagrees with them or denies them something they desperately want. And you have failed to prepare them for this event. They will be devastated and have no idea how to respond appropriately and productively to failure, going without, or having to think of others first.

So if you think the above is a lot of preaching from me without a lot of evidence that it doesn’t have to be this way, I’ll share with you our experience. You might recall in my earlier posts I mentioned that it will be much easier to effectively co-parent if both parents share foundational values. This is probably more important in the areas of discipline, setting limits, and teaching responsibility than any other.

Remember when you first learned you were going to be a parent? If you’re like me, you probably were profoundly struck simultaneously with fear and excitement at the prospect that you would be raising a human being that, with God’s grace, would someday positively influence humanity. Sure, you may have dreamed of them growing up to be famous or rich or beautiful. But I doubt anyone hopes their child grows up to be a self-absorbed jerk. So we must be careful not to raise one. In fact, we need to live in fear that we may very well do that if we don’t take responsibility ourselves for ensuring that doesn’t happen. Again, if you don’t do it, are you expecting someone else will? Why the hell are they going to do your job for you? This is the cornerstone of parenting. Beyond the contribution of your DNA, this is your next most important responsibility. And I take it VERY SERIOUSLY.

When we divorced, I was fortunate enough to know that we shared very similar core values. Of course, there are nuances. Otherwise, we might have never gotten divorced at all. But we both took and still take the responsibility of parenting very seriously and personally. We both realize that while we want our child to like us, liking us is not more likely because we give them everything they want. We accept that it is our responsibility to teach them kindness, generosity, and responsibility as well as providing them opportunities to succeed in life. However, I have known many people who were seemingly given every opportunity to succeed by way of paid college tuition and financial assistance of all sorts who still fell flat on their face precisely because it was given to them. I know multimillionaires whose children seem to have no idea what it means to be responsible or make good life choices.

I grew up in a home where my parent had a convenient excuse to give me when they didn’t want me to have something. “We can’t afford it,” they’d say. It’s a perfect alibi. Growing up, I always said to myself that when I had kids, I didn’t want to have to tell them they couldn’t have something because “we couldn’t afford it.” So I set out to make sure that wasn’t going to be the case only to find out that it is much easier to say, “We can’t afford it” than it is to teach some more difficult life lesson to our child, such as you can’t have it because it is bad for you. If you simply say you can’t afford it, that pretty much shuts down all debate. So in one sense, it’s brilliant because the end is the same and maybe the child is less distressed than if you tell them they can’t have something because you think it is too extravagant. Aren’t they important enough for you to part with your precious money over? Let the parental guilt trip begin. Stop with the need to explain. Revert to what our parents did or our grandparents before them. They said, “No.” The end. If you dared to ask why, you got the ever-popular “because I said so.” And if you dared challenge this reasoning, you might well have ended up grounded or worse yet slapped, spanked, or even beaten. What is this obsessive compulsion to over-explain our parental logic to our children? Give it up. Because they ARE children, they cannot be expected to understand.

Now that I’ve laid down the hardline, I will dial back a bit to the reality of my personal approach, which I think in the majority of situations worked. I said no when I thought something was not in my child’s best interest AND I offered my reasoning for this in simple, matter-of-fact terms. While I didn’t allow them to debate me on my decision, I did listen to what they had to say in response as an opportunity to confirm whether or not they understood my rationale – even if they didn’t agree with it. And therein lies the difference. I was NOT focused on whether or not they agreed with me. I was most concerned with their well-being and conveying to them that regardless of anything else, my priority had to be to protect them from harm of any kind. That was my #1 job even when it made me unpopular with them. It’s the risk I had to take. And I knew it’s what they both wanted and expected from me too. All our kids want us to protect them. And this requires setting limits. So I set limits and stuck to them, and I shared those limits with the other parent. We would sometimes negotiate on the finer details such as video game ratings or curfews. And we didn’t agree on all these details either. But our foundation was the same. First priority – protect them from harm – physical, mental, and emotional.

Here’s another problem I see with the idea of never having a negative experience with your child. What happens when they eventually have that imperfect day? Are they going to be equipped to handle it or are they going to shatter into a million pieces and be unable to recover or learn from the experience? We must teach our kids how to deal with disappointment and rejection or it will be a shock that will potentially devastate them when you are not around to catch them as they fall back to Earth from the high perch above the rest of the universe. We most certainly had our negative days. Some because they pushed it and some because maybe I had a bad day at work, was too exhausted to think straight, or was PMSing. But these were invaluable exercises in communication, problem-solving, self-control, and compromise. Sure, they also offered these benefits to me as well. But this was their first rodeo, and I was the clown protecting them from being trampled by the bull.

But what do you do when you and your child simply can’t get to common ground? When you’re still married to the other parent, you can call them in for reinforcement. But what about when you’re divorced? Can you still do that? You can, but you have to be very secure in your relationship with the ex. Calling in the other parent for reinforcement isn’t a workable plan if they are going to use the event against you either to badmouth you to the child or to build a case that you are an unfit parent. Unfortunately, I know for many divorced parents, this is the reality. But for others, it’s simply a fear, a personal insecurity. If your spouse has not brought legal action against you seeking to reduce your parenting time or interaction with them, I implore you to partner with them in matters of discipline. After all, I’m pretty sure they don’t want to spend their days with an asshole of their own making either. So herein lies an opportunity to find common ground – a precious commodity among divorced co-parents.

There was a time during their middle school years where we had the most trouble communicating. They were sure they were being judged by everyone, including me, all the time. They, like any other pre-teen, lacked confidence and at the same time felt compelled to wield control over something, anything, even if that was a heated conversation with a parent. Now I’m going to say something I’m sure some of you will hate me for. But it’s what I believe based on my own personal feelings and observations. Children fear dad more than mom… at least in a physical harm sense, that is. Sure, mom can make you feel like a piece of shit in words, but you won’t bleed or lose a limb from it. So the pain she can inflict just doesn’t carry the same fear factor as the potential damage dad can do with that extra weight and muscle to throw at you. Even if dad has never touched you. I know this because I felt this way. My dad had never laid a finger on me but at one point during my teens, I pushed him too hard, and he grabbed both of my arms and shook me. It scared the hell out of me, not because it hurt but because it reminded me that he had the capacity to hurt me if he so chose to. With that, my human survival instinct kicked in and forced me to shut my smart mouth. I’m sure there are exceptions where the mom is more physically intimidating than the dad. But I’d venture to say that with dad’s deeper voice and larger stature, most kids can’t battle the human instinct to protect themselves from physical harm by acquiescing to the one that is physically superior to them.

Anyway, after arguing with them for several hours about helping out around the house and them doing everything in their power to fight me on the point, I had had enough. We were getting nowhere. I don’t really remember the details of our actual argument. But I do remember feeling like we had devolved into a circular conversation that was simply not going to resolve without a radical change in strategy. So I called the other parent and asked if they would talk to them. They, of course, didn’t hesitate and came over immediately. They laid it on the line and told them they were not to talk to me in the tone and manner they were. They reinforced my points, telling them that I was right and that they needed to do what I said. In short, they were being a good parent. I don’t really get why this was so effective. Maybe it had nothing to do with the male versus female presence at all. Maybe it was simply the fact that bringing the other parent in tipped the opinion scale. Once they saw that we were on the same side, they realized they were outnumbered and were not going to win this one. So they conceded and life returned to normal for everyone. Yea for us. We didn’t raise an asshole!

To learn more effective ways on how to work together consider getting my Book Combative to Collaborative for more helpful tips and trips to co-parenting. Click the link to get your own copy today!