So I guess one could have started with this topic because really this is at the core of it all. One and the other parent have consistently and willingly helped each other through big life events and the little things. At first, one thinks the other parent would have probably rather not helped. They were very angry, which is to be expected. But they were the bigger person, putting their feelings aside to make sure their child had a comfortable home to live in with their mom. They gave one a basic set of tools so that one could pound in a nail or screw together a piece of furniture. They bought and installed a high-end bathroom shower door from their business in the child’s bathroom. And they were consistently there to pick the child up, drop them off, and spend time with them on a regular schedule without fail or complaining.
One can’t tell you how many times one has asked the other parent to borrow a tool or small appliance, costume, or really anything else one might need but didn’t have. If one needed a referral for anything – and one means anything – the other parent would always know a guy. In fact, one is pretty sure the other parent is the consummate “I know a guy” person. Whether it is a painter, plumber, mechanic, or limo driver, they know a guy. And they always invited one to use their name. “Tell them I sent you and you’ll get a good deal,” they would say. There was never any hesitation or trepidation. Every request was readily accommodated without ever making one feel like they owed them something or that they had something over one. Probably a good thing since one seems to have fewer things they need or maybe it’s just because they have everything and know everyone. But if there was something, one too gladly shared their stuff and their referrals – need a musician or a psychic? One knows some of those – and felt good doing it.
Of course, besides being there with the “things” and the referrals, one and the other parent were there to help each other through life’s ups and downs. One will admit they didn’t help with the move. But they did help move a lot of sound gear and music instruments between their homes. One babysat their daughter when they and their partner had somewhere to go. One went to every viewing of every relative of the other parent’s who they knew that has passed since the split – even one they didn’t know very well. One offered help to their parents emotionally and would gladly do so physically if called upon.
And when the other parent got in a very bad motorcycle accident in the spring of 2016, one got up as soon as the text came in and never went back to bed. One went to the hospital to see them twice. One consoled their worried mom and sibling and ate with them (or actually watched them eat) in the hospital cafeteria. One talked to their step-parent the day after and let them talk through a play-by-play of the accident, which obviously they wanted to tell someone. It only took about 45 minutes. One went to their house to visit after they got home just to let them know one cared and was there for them. One told their partner they’d cover whatever was needed – let out the dogs, bring them dinner, take the child, or whatever. That’s how one treats friends. One doesn’t judge them. Ok, one might. But one puts that aside to take care of them and realizes it could just as easily have been them in the situation. One is there for them and their family and offers support.
Finally, and probably most germane to the topic of this book, one and the other parent helped each other to be better parents. One talked about the issues parents deal with. The difficulties the child might be going through and how best to deal with them and help them. How to cover the Christmas list? How to pay for an expensive gift? How to help them get along better with neighborhood kids? What sports should the child try? How does one best support an aspiring musician? Who will go to curriculum night? Who’s going to talk to the coach? And of course, one could gush all day long to the other parent about how wonderful the child is without annoying the other. One really can’t do that with a non-parent. Not even a step-parent past a certain point.
If you’re reading this blog because you are recently divorced or because you are not having a “happily divorced” experience, you may find all of this to be a lot to take on in your particular situation. All I can offer is to remember the golden rule. You know the one our parents taught us. Treat others as you want to be treated. I promise you even if it feels uncomfortable, the dividends of a positive relationship and moreover positive parenting experience for you and happy childhood for your offspring is SO worth a bit of discomfort now and then. After all, it will certainly be less uncomfortable than when you lived in the same house.