Ian was Robin two years in a row. This was also pre-divorce. But can you blame me for including it here?
Holidays are supposed to be a time for joy, fun, and celebration. But when one is divorced with kids, it is a minefield of anxiety. How does one get it right? How does one build traditions when constantly having to consider the forces outside the home? How does one balance what a child wants with what one wants to experience as a parent? One can only speak for oneself. But one didn’t work on getting pregnant for 2 years only to miss all the significant memories in a child’s life. Dreams of building that vast photo album of costumes and pictures with Santa didn’t end with the divorce. It is known that some let these things go. But honestly, one just doesn’t relate to this type of parenting existence. One couldn’t let the prophecy of “You’re going to miss half of their life” come to fruition.
So not unlike the tangled web one had to maneuver to pull off family vacations, one once again had to exhibit selflessness, flexibility, and compassion to provide the best holiday experiences to the child while still getting to enjoy being a parent.
Don’t be Haunted by Halloween Missteps
Ian was only 2 years old here. My ex and I were still together. But the photo is just too damned cute to leave it out.
The first key to a Happy Halloween whether divorced or still married is to let the child pick their own costume. It’s one of the few things they can control. So let them have it. Pick one costume that they will want to wear to both parents’ houses. That way there is one experience – not only for them but for both parents and everyone else around them as well! Remember, parents are building a photo album as well.
Now one might be saying to oneself, “Well of course you let the child pick their costume. What crazy control freak would deny a child such a rite of passage?” But one can tell firsthand with another couple that this is not the case. In the ongoing obsession to control every aspect of every experience the children have, one parent always picks what the kids will wear. The outcome, of course, is that IF the kids are allowed out of their sight for a millisecond, they strip down the costume to the point that one can’t even tell what they are dressed as. Take that you control freak parent! Happy now?
Beyond the costume, one might say the more tricky part (pardon the pun) was how to deal with the logistics of trick-or-treat. And in this case, they lived very close, making it a little easier. Still, will they go to both neighborhoods? Will they just do one? Is there time for both? Will they have anyone to go with in both neighborhoods at different times? What do they want to do? What if one doesn’t get to see the child in their costume this year? Oh hell! This part sucks. Looking back, one guesses they did “ok” with this one but thinks they could have done better.
My Son did pick their costumes OF COURSE and also which neighborhood to start in. But the other parent always wanted to be part of it and so the child would have to stop halfway through the first neighborhood to switch houses. Of course, they didn’t get to go with the other kids in the second neighborhood because they had started way earlier and were either done or on an entirely different part of the neighborhood. I think in some 
years he picked one or the other
neighborhood but still had to make time to share their costume with each parent. As parents and the “adults”, one should have made all this inconvenience more their affair and let the child just enjoy the experience in one location or the other. Of course, being the true Libra sun sign that they are, the child probably felt obligated to give each parent and friend-group equal time anyway. So one is not sure that they would have chosen any differently. But looking back, one feels they should have done more to relieve them of this burden.
So as you finalize your plans for this year’s trick-or-treating, do everything you can to remember this is a memory for your child first and you second. Be flexible and considerate. And expect to do more than your friends who are married have to just to create the same level of kid-parent experience.