Enjoying the holidays has probably been the biggest challenge for one. As parents (and maybe other parents feel this way too), one feels it is their duty to create family traditions. Yet that is very difficult to do when agreeing to alternate holidays. At best, a tradition is either only executed in alternating years or carried out on a different day from year to year. While this may work fine for one and the child or children, it is hard to pull off when considering the broader family. Grandparents may always host Thanksgiving at their house. A particular holiday event may only take place on Christmas Eve each year.
Even more complicating is when there are multiple divorces, remarriages, step-children, and even pets that have to be worked into the equation. So the best advice is to not get too caught up in one’s own feelings. This will just drive one crazy and honestly… it isn’t just about one! Hell, this is the case even if one isn’t divorced.
Of course, one was divorced. The other parent’s parents were divorced – and both remarried. The other parent eventually got remarried, and their spouse’s mom got remarried. The other parent’s sibling was married, but their spouse’s family was from another town 2 hours away. One’s parents were still married but lived in Texas. In fact, none of one’s relatives lived in town. This actually ended up being a Godsend of sorts. Sure, it was tough not having them close by, and one hated that they couldn’t share more of their lives with them. But had they too been local, it would have just been one more difficult choice to have to make when it came to dividing up time.
When the child was between 6 and 14 years old, one mostly conceded Thanksgiving to the other parent and their family. It was just too sad for one to make dinner for just them and the child, and it didn’t seem right to keep the child from enjoying a big family gathering that the other parent could provide. So one would do something else. One would have probably been better off in these years before a new relationship, had they gone to volunteer at a homeless shelter or elderly home. One doesn’t know why they didn’t do that other than to say they think they just got caught up wallowing in their own despair. Instead, one usually met up at a bar on Thanksgiving evening with friends trying to escape the family scene.
One remembers once the child called and asked what one thinks may have been the saddest question a child could ever ask a parent… “How can a child not see their parent on Thanksgiving?” It was just awful. Yep, there was that half the other parent said one would miss. It’s in one’s eardrum right now thrashing at one’s heart. Seriously, what a waste all that self-pity was! If one ends up alone on the holidays, don’t do what one did. Do something that involves giving time and energy to someone else’s needs. One thinks they’ll feel a whole lot better.
When one finally started seeing a new partner seriously, they began alternating Thanksgiving. Of course, this introduced more complications – the new partner’s kids, their other parent’s wishes, their new spouse, and their parents’ schedule. The child is now 24, and one still hasn’t really conquered Thanksgiving successfully. Given that one considers Thanksgiving the quintessential family holiday, it just comes preloaded with anxiety year after year. Still, alternating seems like the kindest choice for all involved.
One other thing to caution against in the case of holidays is giving the kids TOO MUCH control in deciding how their holiday time is spent. It isn’t all about them either! Certainly, strive to make it fair and not too frantic to enjoy. But seriously, burdening a child with the decision of who to spend time with and how much and who to pick between is more unfair. Make it one’s burden to figure out. Not theirs. Be the adults. Be fair to oneself too. Being a martyr doesn’t serve one’s or one’s children’s interest. After all, they want to spend time with one… unless, of course, one is an abusive person, in which case, one should lose all rights to ever see the kids until they decide to be a decent human being.